My 10: Stupid Things I Would Wish For If I Ever Found a Genie

I do wish I could make some wishes.

I do wish I could make some wishes.

Everyone has thought about what they would wish for if they ever found a genie at least once in their life. It’s likely that we’ve all come to the same conclusions, like, we would solve world hunger, or wish for a million dollars, or maybe something way more diligently thought through, but have you ever considered the idea that maybe a genie wouldn’t let you wish for such big things?

What if the genie you found was just kind of bad at his job? What would you wish for then? I bet you didn’t think that through. Well, I have. Of course, I have ideas concerning what I would wish for if I met a capable genie but I realized that I need a plan in the event that that doesn’t happen. So I compiled the list of 10 stupid things I would wish for if I ever found a genie.


1. A never breaking gold kazoo
Obviously, the idea of a never breaking gold kazoo sounds incredibly unwise, but, here’s the thing, this kazoo would give me so much power, I would be unstoppable. Think about it. It’s loud, it’s gold, and it would never break meaning that I would have a priceless kazoo in my possession at all times. It would allow me to get out of situations by driving the people around me crazy, and if, eventually, I got tired of it I could always melt it down into something else. Plus, knowing that it will never break, it is likely that the technology in it has profound value and if I didn’t want to melt it down into something else I could sell it.


2. A flavor changing, Everlasting Gobstopper
An Everlasting Gobstopper would obviously be a good wish, but if it changed flavors? It would be even better. This one is less stupid because it’s just the ultimate candy, but I assume some people would object. One problem, however, would be that if this technology was released into the world there might be a crisis. I couldn’t imagine someone stealing my precious flavor changing Everlasting Gobstopper from me. So I might actually have to make it so that nobody can take it from me. So maybe it’s a flavor changing Everlasting Gobstopper that always returns to me when stolen. Genius right?


3. A pumpkin pie robot
Autumn is my favorite season by far. One of the best parts of the fall is the food, especially pumpkin pie. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who are obsessed with pumpkin spice. I know that by now some of you probably like me less because of this but I’m not going to let that stop me from wishing for a pumpkin pie robot. Just imagine it; a tiny little robot with an oven in its stomach that, whenever called, would bring you a nice warm pumpkin pie. It would be heaven on earth.


4. A hamburger
I don’t like hamburgers so I would probably just wish for one for the reaction.


5. An infinite supply of feather dusters
I’m not a neat freak or anything, I just enjoy the idea of feather dusters. You know when you walk into a store and you see one of them sitting behind a counter and you’re just like “wow, that looks really fluffy.” Just me? Well, that doesn’t really matter because I’m the one with the wishes and I would wish for an infinite supply of feather dusters. Besides, imagine the profit. You would put other feather duster companies out of business.


6. A giant, randomly moving, invisible cube
This is one of my favorite wishes and I know it’s really odd but give me a chance to explain. Imagine you’re walking through New York and suddenly you find yourself thrown back because you’ve run into an invisible barrier. You call the police after further investigation but when they Right on the scene there is no barrier. Oddly, three minutes later some random guy in Russia also runs into a mysterious invisible barrier. This continues for years and conspiracy theories are made and governments fall into chaos because of this odd phenomenon that can, in fact, be proved because of the numerous witnesses that have stepped up and reported the experience. Chaos ensues and no one knows what is going on. That is, no one but me. I am the only person that could save the world, but I choose not to. Why? Because I am evil.


7. Mor’du, the bear from “Brave”
If you’ve seen “Brave” you know who Mor’du is. However, if you haven’t then let me explain. Mor’du is a giant, murderous bear that was once a greed consumed Prince. It’s really cliche but that’s not the reason I would wish for him. I just want to see what he would look like in real life because in the movie he’s bigger than any man by like four times, and his back is covered with these gnarly scars. That’s not even accounting for his terrifying face. I’m aware that I would most likely die after making this wish but it would be worth it because I would have seen a giant scary bear.


8. The unwritten sequel of The Great Gatsby, The Greater Gatsby; A dog with a drinking problem
This book does not exist. That does not mean it will not exist because it most definitely will after I meet a genie. I will have all of the power. I will be the most renowned author in the world. Children will read about me in their history books for years to come, for I was the person that wrote the most amazing, most disgustingly awful book in the history of the world.


9. A signed copy of a “Surf’s Up” DVD
“Surf’s Up” is the best movie, and nobody can convince me otherwise. If you haven’t watched it please do, and then watch it again for good measure. I love this movie so much that I would be willing to wish for a DVD of the movie signed by the best character Chicken Joe himself. He’s a legend. He’s a beast. He’s a hero. Chicken Joe is my idol and to have him sign this movie would be a dream come true. I just want to release a quick, but sad disclaimer, and say that Chicken Joe is, unfortunately, not real.


10. A meet and greet with Mike Wazowski
I don’t even have to talk about this one. You understand. I know that I’ve been mentioning a lot of fictional characters but Mike Wazowski is a whole different story. Mike Wazowski is no Chicken Joe, I’ll be honest, but the man’s a genius. He’s pulled so many stunts and gotten away with all of them. Some of you might say that he couldn’t have done it without Sully, but let’s be honest, he totally could have. I mean, he changed the entire government system that supported the world and didn’t get arrested in the process. Mike Wazowski could have died, like, eight times throughout the movies but he didn’t. Why didn’t he? Because he’s too smart for the universe that he was put in.


I hope, by now, you have loosely compiled a list of stupid things you would wish for, and I urge you to share them. I am also hoping that you are now imagining other ways to spread chaos throughout the world without using a giant, invisible cube. You should also share those ideas, but probably not with anyone but me. I understand the maniacal mindset that you likely possess.